the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
nutella sex= disaster
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
