he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
