Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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