I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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