it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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