There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
