it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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