you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
