Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
