So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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