It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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