Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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