i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
