sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
