when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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