Your favorite bartender is back from prision
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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