awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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