He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We got so high we made milksteak
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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