I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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