the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
