i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
