Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
