she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
COCAINE IS GR8
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
