i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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