dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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