Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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