The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
