Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
