you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
