i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
