OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
