Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
