explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We don't watch enough power rangers
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
