I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
