I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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