Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
