My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
