u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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