yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
