How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
