last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
