the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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