Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
