where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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