can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
