And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
