You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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