Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
