Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
