I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
