Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
