So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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