i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
