question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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