Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
