do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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