Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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