you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
you never un-have a 4some
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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