I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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