i jhust puked up my retainher.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
