Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
